The extrapolations of Casey Fritz
On the Fritz!
I’m tired. I’m just so fucking tired of the moods, the stress, the anxiety, the low self esteem. Fuck this life. Sometimes I just feel like dying. I don’t care at all if I die. If a car hits me and I die I really don’t give a fuck. I have intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, paranoia, bi-polar disorder, insecurity, OCD, constant memory loss, sexual problems, stress, nervousness, health issues, the fucking list is endless. Why? Why do I have such a fucked up body and mind? I just don’t give a fuck whatever happens happens. I’m tired. I’m just goddamned tired.
Jesus. I feel like I’m brimming with anger every day lately. Like its right on the edge ready to burst and I keep trying hard to hold it back. Why? Fuck.
I’ve gone from feeling the best I’ve felt in years in the last month or so to a suddenly strange shift of an uncomfortable, non-social feeling. And an aggravated, easily angered one. Hmmm. I’d also like to meet up with Natalie’s therapist he seems better.
Why I am so hyper aware of my own self and so self conscious and insular, I don’t know. Maybe I was just born that way, or perhaps some events unfolded that made me this way. I’m a psychological hypochondriac. I am perpetually scanning everything around me at all times outside of my eyes, and behind them to the innards of my mind. I am constantly talking to others, doing things, while simultaneously noting and recording and analyzing every single step I make and every little thing I do like I’m outside of myself watching a stop-motion video of myself.
Perhaps this is why I have moments of spacing out, making constant mistakes and forgetting things all the time. Because my mind is too wrapped up in too many things at once.
Look, even now it’s a comically sad parody of itself because I am writing about the very thing I do all the time. I’m writing about being self conscious while being self conscious about being self conscious, all the while recording and monitoring my every move. That’s quite strangely funny, isn’t it?
Or quite tragic. I’m not sure I can tell the difference anymore. It’s a sad state of affairs. When will this train ever stop and let me off? Is it just going to crash?
My strange moodiness once again took hold, and once again it’s a puzzle as to why. I don’t think I deserve Natalie at all. I’m a poor husband. I didn’t feel as though I deserved the honor of telling her goodbye this morning, and I just feel shamed and wrong. Natalie, I’m sorry I hurt you. I was frustrated but I shouldn’t be so hard on you and if you don’t want me anymore I understand and deserve it. I love you.
Me and Nat desperately want her to find a daytime job as soon as possible to spend the enjoyment of summer together and pick her classes on time. It has been a very lonely marriage for years and I see her as little as if we were single. How do we know for sure we’d even get along if we were around each other more? But I love her and want to spend more time with her…
I feel much better today, although the side effects of the antibiotics make me nervous as in jittery and restless.
I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I get jealous if friends of mine spend too much time with other friends ( I’ve been this way with all friends). I feel needy and overly- emotional. I’m forcing myself to be anti-social even though in some ways I want to be social. I feel low self esteem and worthless. I fucking hate it when I feel this way. This side of me really pisses me off and I can’t stand it.
